I recently got a call from my medical provider. The nice lady on the phone said — in the same tone you’d use to tell someone their car warranty has expired — “Now that you’re of a certain age, we need to start seeing you twice a year.”
Wait. What?
She didn’t specify what “certain age” meant, but since I just turned 75, I assume it’s the age where they start checking to make sure you’re not brushing your teeth with hemorrhoid cream or trying to turn on the AC with the TV remote.
Anyway, I agreed to come in for a cognitive test.
One of my lifelong challenges is that I always try to be silly. I look for the laugh in everything. I can’t help it — it’s cheaper than therapy and more fun than yoga. My wife warned me to behave myself or they might lock me up on the spot. She said it with a little too much hope in her voice.
Here were my official questions:
Question 1. What is today’s date?
Question 2. Where are you right now?
Question 3. I’m going to name three objects (ball, television, puppy). Repeat them now, and again after the test.
Question 4. Draw a clock showing 10 minutes past noon.
Question 5. How are a watch and a ruler similar?
I passed with flying colors — which was a relief, because I was fully prepared to argue that “10 minutes past noon” is a matter of personal interpretation depending on whether you’ve had lunch, a nap, or a glass of wine.
But afterward, I realized these questions don’t really measure my cognitive abilities. If they want to know how I’m doing, they should ask questions that reflect my actual lifestyle.
For example:
Question 1. Have you ever gone outside wearing two different shoes? On the same foot?
(Extra credit if you didn’t notice until someone else pointed it out.)
Question 2. Have you ever eaten dessert before your main meal? And did it ruin your appetite, or did it simply set the tone for the rest of the day?
Question 3. Do you occasionally forget your wife’s name, birthdate, or your anniversary?
Bonus points if you forget all three while she’s standing right there.
Question 4. Do you enjoy letting your 60‑pound Springer Spaniel take a long nap on your lap?
And do you take a long nap right with it?
Question 5. Have you ever gotten up in the morning, sat in your lounger, and immediately fallen asleep again?
Did you wake up with a dog on your lap?
Question 6. Can you remember most of the kids in your 8th‑grade class but not the couple you met last night who introduced themselves three times and even spelled their names?
Question 7. Have you ever walked to the kitchen and forgotten why you went there?
Did you grab a pudding cup to make it look like you had a plan?
Question 8. Are coffee, pudding, and wine your three basic food groups?
(If yes, congratulations — you’re on the Mediterranean Diet, Florida Edition.)
Question 9. Have you ever had a gummy along with your glass of wine and your son had to show you where your camper was?
For me, settling into that “certain age” has actually been fun. I feel good, I look good (remember: beauty is in the eye of the beer holder), and I generally make my way around each day without getting lost. Usually. As long as my wife doesn’t move the furniture again.
It’ll be interesting to see what questions they ask me at my next appointment.
Now if I can just remember the time and place.
