Friends, I’m here for you. I’ve heard the whining, the moaning, the dramatic fainting spells over gas prices. So I’ve put together a few completely reasonable ideas to keep you on the road without selling a kidney. I haven’t tried any of these myself, but that’s never stopped me from giving advice before.
Let me know how it goes… or don’t. I’ll probably hear the sirens anyway.
1. Drive Only Downhill
Everyone knows downhill uses less gas. Science. So from now on, only drive north-to-south. Live in Wisconsin? Congratulations, your new grocery store is in Florida. Also, buy your next house on top of a hill. Or a mountain. Then you can coast to work in neutral like a majestic, unemployed eagle. Winter roads add a fun “will I survive” element.
2. Hitchhiking, But Make It Fashion
Out of gas? Hitchhike. Sure, it’s not as safe as it used to be, but you can fix that by accessorizing. Stick out your thumb while casually wearing something intimidating—like an Uzi-shaped pool float. Drivers won’t know if it’s real, but they won’t risk it. Still keep a pocketknife though. Not for protection—just to cut your snacks.
3. Turn Your Car Into a Budget EV
If you’ve got a car with a stick shift, put it in first, release the clutch, turn the key, and let the starter motor drag you forward like a sad electric mule. Range: somewhere between “five feet” and “you’ll find out.”
4. DIY Car Slingshot
Remember slingshots as a kid? Scale that up. Find two sturdy trees, lash together some inner tubes, back your car in, and let physics take the wheel. Sure, you might land in a different county, but think of the gas savings.
5. Stop Signs Are Suggestions
Idling wastes fuel. So just… don’t stop. You may want to upgrade your insurance. And maybe write a will. And possibly apologize to your neighbors in advance.
6. Monster Truck, Tiny Mileage
Love your giant truck but hate the gas bill? Easy fix: unbolt the body and drop it onto a Pinto frame. Your mileage improves, and from a distance, nobody will know. Up close, they’ll know. They’ll definitely know.
7. Perma-Downhill Car Tilt
Bigger tires in the back, smaller in the front. Boom—your car is always leaning downhill. Borrow your kid’s go-kart tires for the front. They weren’t using them anyway. Probably.
8. Bigger Tires = Slower Spin = Magic
Someone once said bigger tires spin slower at the same speed, so obviously that means better gas mileage. You might need a Sawzall to enlarge, but hey—no great invention ever started with “This seems safe.”
9. Golf Cart Life
Here at Whisper Creek, we’ve got golf carts. Slap on some turn signals and take that baby on the expressway. Sure, you’ll top out at 14 MPH, but you’ll look adorable doing it.
10. Park and Pretend
Have your buddies push your gas hog to the local Dog and Suds. Sit there all day like you meant to. People will assume you’re relaxing, not broke. Plus, there’s the advantage of root beer.
11. Motorhome Mirage
Own a motorhome that gets 0.2 MPG? Park it in your yard and wax it daily. Tell the neighbors you’re “prepping for the Big Trip.” The Big Trip is to the mailbox, but they don’t need to know that.
By the sixth waxing, that thing will glow like a radioactive marshmallow.
Sure, gas prices will settle eventually. But until then, I don’t want you to change your lifestyle even a tiny bit. That would be un-American.
See you on the road!
✍️ GREG STANGL
